It’s just one of those moods. A poopy, sad, extremely mopey mood. I didn’t lie about it, I just hid it. But here’s the truth: I woke up today crying. It wasn’t about a boy (well, not directly). It wasn’t about social injustice. It certainly wasn’t tears of joys. I woke up in bed and started crying, for myself and what I felt was a dream crushed.
I’m not sure what prompted me to really think about it, however, my friend Stephen is returning from a year-long journey in China (and Asia) teaching English. I’ve stared enviously at his photos and brief conversations online, stuck here in Texas twiddling my thumbs and reading for class. The places he has seen, the people he has met, the cultures he has learned, I wish that I, too, could experience these awakenings.
Last summer was my closest chance, and unfortunately it didn’t happen. Rather it happened without me. And I wrongfully lashed out. Ironically it led me to re-connect a relationship, but sometimes I wonder if I can fully be at the same level because of this. Petty, I know. But I don’t think anyone still will ever understand just how much hurt it caused me.
I’m graduating next spring and while I do want “the job,” what I need still is that journey, both physically and mentally. I’ve wanted to see part of the world with a good friend for a while, and it seems that my impending graduation is only taking that chance away. I suppose part of it is that I doom these things from the beginning, in assuming they won’t happen. Part of it’s that we all have different agendas, different people we value more in travel. Part of it’s the investment in resources.
Anyways, tomorrow my normal journey will be to immerse myself in work I did not do this weekend. Too bad Texas Expresso (my new favorite place on campus) is closed on Sundays. Food snob says it’s sad that I want a blueberry cookie-scone from Littlefield. And you wonder why I cried.
Where has my light gone? Where has my fight gone?
What keeps us burning when the fire is long gone?
(I really do love Don’t Fight It by The Panics.)
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I think you should do what many people do and that is, once you have a job but before you start, take a few weeks to travel.
PS I know there’s a lot more to it than that, but I still think you should do it.
I’ve got a list of places to see sometime in my lifetime. As for anytime soon, well…working on that one.